Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
