some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
