News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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