whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
