Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
