oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
