Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
