I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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