How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
