Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
