I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
