This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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