My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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