But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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