Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
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