I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
