I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i love accidental penises.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
