the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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