i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
