My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
