Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
