so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
