My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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