I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize