god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
