Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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