there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
