You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize