i love accidental penises.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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