Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I'm passing your future prison.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
a search helicopter?!
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
