I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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