We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
