I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize