i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
