1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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