I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
