Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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