Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
