Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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