a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
