Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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