This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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