I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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