textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
