please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
