can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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