Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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