So drunk its hurt
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
This is classic penis vs brain.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
