just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
