DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
