Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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