Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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