she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
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