those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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