so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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