Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
