I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
