there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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