Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
