guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Im part way to drunk.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize