I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
