and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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